How to Not Get in to Princeton:
The Pessimist's Guide to Graduate School Applications
1. Take care to give yourself no more than three weeks to do everything (filling out forms, contacting references, requesting transcripts and test scores, writing statement of purpose and research paper, adapting resume, gathering financial aid information, and mailing documents). There's no need to have time to evaluate your progress.
2. If applying online, make sure to choose the wrong program of study from the drop-down menu. Public Policy sounds like Public Affairs anyway; who cares if the one you inadvertently applied to is a mid-career degree you aren't even eligible for?
3. Have one of your references disappear within a week of the deadline. Make sure it's your only academic reference, as a professional reference could actually be replaced in that time frame.
4. Finish the aforementioned statement of purpose and research paper within an hour of the FedEx deadline. Don't worry about not getting to ask anyone for feedback; Microsoft SpellCheck should be enough. How many errors and leaps in logic can ten pages of text possibly contain, anyhow?
5. Spend a number of hours carefully formatting your resume, then remember at the last minute to add a description of the internship most relevant to your chosen course of study.
Karma Bonus: Ask your friends if they know anyone else who has previously applied for the same type of degree who might have some advice; if they locate someone who then attempts to contact you, (a) ignore any communication you receive and (b) forget to respond. peachy as always, Mike at 4:22 PM
Friday, December 27, 2002
Some Choice Excerpts from the Responses to the Online Personal Ad I Recently Put Up
I thought we might have somethings in common. At least enough for a good conversation.
Parents are both from Scotland, I don't know if that is a good or bad thing ; ) but it is prolly where I get my looks and personality.[...] Some of my all time favorite movies, are "so I married an ax murderer", I like it because Mike Myers family in the movie reminds me of my family (I guess that sounds funny unless you have seen the movie). Braveheart, because I like to see stories of people not afraid to stand up to what they believe in.
most women think I’m attractive, but that’s a different story. I’m obviously not into them. =o) I’ve finally decided to give this online thing a try. I’ve never been in a position where I felt comfortable having a relationship.
Likes: giant tortoises, moody ballerinas with hairy legs and dreams of conquering the world, and silent films dubbed over with the sounds of llamas boxing. Well, maybe not. No offense to the giant tortoises...Just wanted to give you a little taste of my dorkiness. [...] (did I say I was a dork? Okay, also add that I'm a big ol' freak too...or at least, that's what my friends and family keep insisting).
Hey dude wass up? I just wanted to say hi and i wanted to say that you seem like a realy cool guy and i'm looking to make new friends and see whats up on here.( yahoo)
i am not sure what else to write.. hmm..i enjoy food, but am not fat. i am a big tea fan. i have an incredible fear of spiders.
my favorite guilty pleasure is wine. it is terrible. i love wine. especially with cheese, crackers and salami. it is terrible, but so delicious.
The secret to filling out the tanktop is vball, dancing, and most importantly...LOTS OF LAUGHTER!
You're close (check), in my age bracket, (check), down to earth (check). These are excellent signs.
I like sneaking into old apartment buildings (they have to be old), and wandering down the corridors, and finally going up to the roof and checking the view out.
my favorite outdoor activity would be serveral things. i like to plant, water the grass, make sure that the lawn is neat. i like to walk, especially in the rain. i like being outdoors period. peachy as always, Mike at 4:31 PM
Friday, December 20, 2002
Y'Know, Stuff.
I don't know. I've been falling into some random happinesses the past few days. Allow me to elaborate.
Last week, I dropped my roommate off in NW Berkeley to pick up her car from the mechanic, and then I wandered over to the Berkeley Marina. It was just about five, and as has been common lately, the rain had taken a break and the sky was suffused with a golden light. The clouds were pink and blue and orange and gray, the hills behind me were glowing green, and San Francisco looked as sharp as I could ever recall. I ran across an old woman walking with two canes, and we chatted for a bit about how we'd both been headed home, then felt pulled to stop and look. I was wearing sandals and a T-shirt, but the cold didn't really bug me. As I headed back to the car, I pointed to the full moon (out already!) shining like a big round shiny thing, and we both smiled.
The other day, I was in Berkeley (again), and I decided to treat myself to some gelato. (Yes, in the rain.) Surprisingly, the rose flavor is really, really good. It smells vaguely like perfume, but it's got such a rich, sweet taste. Must...go...back...
And yesterday, I was at the library doing research on refugee resettlement for my interminable grad-school applications. On my way to check-out, I decided to take a look at the CD-rental area and O! My! Gracious! They've got The Sundays and REM and Smashing Pumpkins and all this other stuff I'd never seen before and I'm practically drooling over getting to burn copies of all of them.
Hey, happy holidays, kids! peachy as always, Mike at 7:44 PM
Monday, December 16, 2002
Hell Is a Musical: Some Ridiculous Lyrics I Just Made Up
Look at meeeeee! I need at-ten-tion!
Check me ouuuuuuut! I'm do-in' stuuuuuff!
Whose that guyyyyy? Methinks it's IIIIII!
Your adoration is a start, but not enough! peachy as always, Mike at 10:11 PM
The Text of the Mass Email I Sent to Everyone I Visited on My Trip Once I Got Home
Hello!
If you're receiving this message, it means that I got a chance to visit you on my epic road trip. I had a great time and it was wonderful to see all of you. Thanks for (putting me up/taking me out to eat/distracting me from the grad-apps process/submitting a little something for my mysterious and sinister audiofiles).
If you're on the cc list, I hoped to see you, but it didn't work out. That sucks. I'm sorry we didn't get to meet. Perhaps I'll see you soon. That would be nice.
Regardless, I'm home now. Many of you asked me to let you know when I got home. Well, I got back about a week ago, but I've been busy since then with not-traveling and I think we all know how time-consuming that can be. But here I am. Safe and sound.
Mike
That's all I had to say of any substance. The rest of this isn't required reading, but it's cutesy and some people like that. (It may also seem a little like an egregious rip-off of the Harper's Index, but you'll notice there is frequently text AFTER the colon. Whoa!)
days: 37
miles: 10,000
money spent on gas: $600-700
people visited: ~45
interviews recorded: ~40
nights of free lodging: 22
meals purchased for me: country-style, brunch-style, cafeteria-style, Italian, steak (2), Indian (2), Thai (3), home-cooked (4)
freakiest regional dietary quirk: Minnesotans prepare burritos with white rice
natural wonders visited: Lake Tahoe, Niagara Falls, the Rappahannock, the Houston freeway system, Big Bend Park
songs karaoked (in descending order of successfulness): Neil Diamond, "Sweet Caroline"; Pink, "Get This Party Started"*; Suede, "Beautiful Ones"
car troubles and source of said troubles: sliding off interstate (ice), spinning on interstate (more ice), unexpected swerving (steering mechanism), horrifying shudders (loose trackbar), towed** (draconian Cambridge street-cleaning regulations), naive perception that a tire MUST be flat because something is really not right (road quality in certain regions not to be mentioned)
cities visited that I could see myself moving to: Minneapolis, Madison, Toronto, Boston, Philadelphia, Washington, Austin
cities that almost made the cut: Ann Arbor, New York, Richmond (yes, really), San Antonio
most and least time in one state: Texas (6.5 days), Indiana (42 minutes)
books read: T. Coraghessan Boyle, The Tortilla Curtain; Alain de Botton, How Proust Can Change Your Life
books-on-CD listened to: David Sedaris, Naked; Bill Bryson, I'm a Stranger Here Myself***; Edgar Allen Poe, Greatest Hits; F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby; Jonathan Franzen, How to Be Alone (essays)
encounters with Border Patrol or INS: 5
times I was told "I haven't seen you since Gran Kitty died...five years ago!": 4
times hearing "I'm Terry Gross, and this...is Fresh Air!": innumerable
grad schools visited: Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Syracuse, Harvard, Tufts, Princeton, Columbia, Johns Hopkins, Georgetown, Duke
grad school rejected immediately and grounds for rejection: Wisconsin (Prerequisites: coursework in comparative politics, statistics, 12 additional credits from econ, business, or poli sci...), Syracuse ("It's an excellect department located within a mediocre university in a depressing city."), Harvard (international relations and international development are not the same thing), Columbia ("Students can expect to accumulate an average of $80,000 in debt." "I see. And what makes Columbia so special?" "We're in New York.")
lucky timing: the Twin Cities (home of the nation's only four-party system) on Election Night, Toronto on Remembrance Day (Canada's Veterans Day--I stumbled across a parade of servicemembers going down a small side street in the rain), Boston during a three-day stretch of not being pummeled by severe weather, upper Manhattan at the tail end of street cleaning (= free street parking!), Washington during the Art-o-Matic festival, the McDonald Observatory (in west Texas) at the beginning of their twice-weekly Star Party, Phoenix just before rush hour, and of course getting to see so many of you on such short notice.
overall assessment of trip: damn good
* the party was actually ending at this point.
** "...and I had to WALK TWO MILES in the RAIN just to PAY FIFTY-FIVE DOLLARS to get it BACK."
*** I urge you to send money to the Please, Mr. Bryson, Let Someone Else Read Your Books Aloud Because Hearing Your Voice For Six Hours Has Done Irreparable Harm to My Central Nervous System Foundation
Sat-7: Drove from Utah (through Arizona and Nevada) to Oakland, a distance of exactly 700 miles, bringing my trip total to 10,000 miles in just over five weeks.
Clever summary (which I swear will not be a cheap ripoff of the Harper's Index) is forthcoming. peachy as always, Mike at 9:33 PM
Chapter 4: The Almost-Last-Nine Days (a.k.a. My Dear God, Aren't You Tired Yet?)
Thu-28: Following a Thanksgiving dinner with people I am not especially related to, I am deemed the Life of the Party for telling the naked-dead-guy-in-field riddle. (Hint: he wasn't alone.)
Fri-29: Live from Huntsville, it's the Texas! Prison! Museum!, featuring Ol' Sparky, the actual electric chair used until 1982! (It smells like leather.)
Sat-30: Danced to the Derailers at the Broken Spoke while drinking Lone Star Beer. It was a Very Austin Night.
Sun-(Dec)1: Indian food, friend long-unseen, Frida...good day.
Mon-2: Hey! It's the Alamo!
Tue-3: Doubled pleasure with Big Bend Park and and McDonald Observatory, i.e. the best of Heaven and Earth.
Wed-4: Avoided rush hour in Phoenix; wended through downtown Flagstaff.
Thu-5: Glen Canyon Dam and Filet Mignon. Sweet life o' mine.
Fri-6: Learned much about family history. Met the Cedar City Underground. (Apparently, even in Mormon Country there are progressive and openminded people and they cook really well.)
*Extra*: Select Quotes from Recent Discussions, Dialogues, and Disagreements
"...It happens to all great empires. Look at Rome. They got lazy and the Goths took them over."
"Wait, are you saying that female sportscasters are a sign of the end of American civilization?"
"Well...yes."
"Every time I listen to NPR and somebody mentions Russia's president [Vladimir Putin], they say it in such a strange way, it sounds like 'pootin'.' Gas problems?"
[giggling]
"Wow, we are 12."
"Just like ten percent of the population is going to be homosexual, I believe that a certain proportion of the populace is going to be drug addicts."
"That's a very...odd statement."
"Hi Mike, this is Moe and Tara. [laughs] I mean, this is Moe. Hi Mike, this is Moe. Mike and Tara, this is Moe. [laughs] We got cut off a minute ago...."
"Welcome to Philadelphia, or as I like to call it, BlackPeopleTown."
[Entering Canada at Windsor (near Detroit)]:
(Suspiciously) "You drove all the way from California just to enter Canada here?"
(Annoyed) "No, I'm going from Michigan to New York State and Canada is just in the way."
[Exiting Canada at Niagara Falls]:
"What are you bringing into the United States?"
[Pause] "Some postcards. And a fridge magnet."
"What's your nationality?"
"American."
"What do you do for a living?"
"Nothing."
[Pause] "Go on ahead."
"You know, you Southern belles give off this aura of being sweet and innocent, when really you're--"
"Raunchy? Fuck yeah."
"Wow, I haven't seen you since Gran Kitty died."
"What was that, five years ago? Yeah. Wow."
"We haven't seen you since Grandma died."
"Yeah. It must have been five years now."
"I don't think I've seen you since--"
"Grandma Kitty died. Five years ago. Yeah, I've been out of touch." peachy as always, Mike at 4:21 AM
Chapter 3: Still Feelin' the Love--Another Nine Days
Tue-19: Continued flogging Princeton; stopped en route to Washington and loaded up on Delaware postcards. (It's the First State! And the Diamond State! And the Corporation-Friendly-Tax-Laws State!)
Wed-20: Was treated to an exclusive lowdown on SAIS thanks to a chatty (and eye-opening) professor; randomly caught free showings of Run Lola Run and The Fellowship of the Ring. (Hey, I've been movie-free for weeks now.)
Thu-21: Invited to stay at a co-op; went with hosts to Art-O-Matic, an undergroundish free visual/performing arts show at an abandoned EPA building. For reasons not worth explaining here, the term "crotch camera" is permanently burned into my consciousness.
Fri-22: Took in an exhibition at the National Gallery of trompe l'oeil art through the centuries and an exhibition at the Hirshhorn of Italian arte povera in the 1970s.
Sat-23: Drove along the Rappahannock River (So. Very. Beautiful.), went to the Poe Museum in Richmond, had my first Cracker Barrel Experience, and co-karaoke'd "Sweet Caroline" to a rapt audience.
Sun-24: Stayed with long-lost cousins at Duke, with whom I watched The Sopranos and talked family.
Mon-25: Bought pumpkin butter (mmmm) at NC farmer's market; arrived in Nashville after only nine hours of travel.
Tue-26: Saw friend's recently-purchased house; arrived in Tulsa after only 11 hours of travel and still managed to hold own in political debate.
Wed-27: Welcomed warmly to Dallas. So begins the Texas leg. peachy as always, Mike at 3:54 AM
