it's over. move to somnia.

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Into the Great Wide Open

I'm capricious.

Not news, I know. But it fascinates me (if no one else) what exactly drives me to make certain decisions. For example: I quit my job this morning. Well, OK, I "tendered my resignation"...since "quit" sounds like I screamed and stormed out, whereas reality was much more prosaic: I arrived at the office early, wrote up a memo, dropped it in my boss's inbox, went to my desk and listened to Radiohead's "Optimistic"* on repeat for an hour while writing up the introduction to a report summarizing citizen feedback to a public workshop in Yuba City. My boss came in, asked me to his office, and we discussed what I want out of a job, which is not what this firm can offer. (I actually found myself saying "I could lie and say I want more money," which of course shot down any possibility of staying on with a raise, as was perfectly possible.)

But what was my reason for leaving? I've blathered to and with my coworkers about a variety of things over the past few months: the management doesn't know what's going on with the projects (true), the management has no social skills (may be true, but I've had fewer bad experiences than my coworkers), there is no mentorship and low morale (documentably true), I want to work closer to home (true), I don't like sitting in an office (true-ish), I don't like sitting in a dark, cramped office (has since been remedied), I don't care about the work (dawned on me recently), I want to work with people instead of sitting in front of a computer all day (a recent epiphany), and so on.

But what finally pushed me over... I was working at home yesterday (yes, it was September 11, and yes, my boss was magnanimous enough to let me work at home), looking over a few hundred comments from an "open house" we had held in Yuba City a few weeks back: my job was to distill them into a coherent opinion (as tangentially mentioned above). The opinion I got: we, as an outside firm, know next to nothing about the City and how dare we come in and try to impose a new Plan on the area without any familiarity of what already stands. (Granted, there were a number of positive comments. That was a relief. Almost makes me feel like changing my mind, not being so thin-skinned, etc. Almost.) Then it struck me: I really hate being a consultant. I have no connection with the communities I work for. I've spent a total of two afternoons in Yuba City, and have talked to only a handful of officials. As a geographer, I want to go and see and do, and as things stand, that's not what I'm doing.

Will I regret this? It's likely. I cast a wide net when it comes to second-guessing. The doubts are already there:
You still get paid even if you goof off for half the day.
You still get paid if you goof off all day.
What about money?
The boss (inexplicably) likes you beyond your professional abilities.
Where else are you going to take time off whenever you want?
Your coworkers are fun, gregarious, and young.
San Francisco is ripe for your exploration.

So maybe I'm a fool for not staying.

But I wouldn't bet on it.


*Something about the refrain: "If you try the best you can/ If you try the best you can.../ The best you can is good enough" felt pretty damn resonant today.
peachy as always, Mike at 7:52 PM